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Model Composition - A mistake

Updated: 4 days ago

Language is the heartbeat of any captivating story, breathing life into the imagination of both the writer and the reader. It serves as the artist's palette, where every word is a brushstroke meticulously chosen to convey emotion, paint vivid scenes, and evoke profound sensations. The right language has the power to transport readers to distant realms, allowing them to feel the crunch of autumn leaves beneath their feet or the whisper of a soft summer breeze. Through skillful employment of language, a writer can infuse their narrative with tension, tenderness, or turmoil, eliciting empathy and forging connections between characters and readers. Moreover, language is the vessel for subtleties - the unspoken thoughts, the hidden motivations, and the nuanced complexities that make characters three-dimensional. In essence, language isn't just a tool for writing a story; it's the alchemy that transforms words into an immersive experience, making storytelling a remarkable journey that lingers in the minds and hearts of its audience. Below is the climax my student has written for a composition based on the theme - A mistake. She wanted to write about how a prank in a gallery went wrong. Though it might seem simple, it took her a while to nail the content - writing enough descriptives to flesh out the scene.

​Then, we headed over to the toilet, poured water just right outside of it and pressed the fire alarm. A few seconds later, the blaring ring alerted people. The quiet museum was now filled with deafening screams and panic-stricken people. Our laughter echoed through the air like the tinkling of wind chimes on a breezy afternoon.

Not long after, water sprinkles were on. Not only were they in the toilet but also in the whole gallery. Blood drained from my face as my mouth fell wide open.

“Isn’t it supposed to be in the toilet only?” Mia questioned, staring at me.

I did not care about her. Then, paint on the paintings were seen dripping down onto the floor. I gasped in shock even though I knew that was going to happen. The water on the floor quickly turned to different colours forming a rainbow but I just stood there as time ticked by. Soon, some of the paintings became a white sheet of paper, as if nothing was ever drawn on it.

What should I do? How could I be so brainless?

I screamed at Mia’s face,”Why did you do that! It is all your fault now!”

Suddenly, tears started flowing down her face. I was not bothered by that.

Then we worked on language.

What language can do

With a shared sense of mischievous anticipation, we quietly approached the restroom. Like conspirators in a grand plot, we carefully spilled water, creating a glistening pool just beyond the restroom's entrance, and with an almost theatrical flair, we pressed the fire alarm. The resulting cacophony of blaring sirens shattered the tranquility that once graced the museum, replacing it with an orchestra of terror-laden screams and frantic exclamations. Amidst the chaos, our laughter danced through the air, reminiscent of the delicate tinkle of wind chimes swaying on a balmy afternoon breeze.

In a matter of heartbeats, the atmosphere transformed. Panic painted itself across the faces of patrons who moments ago were immersed in serene appreciation. The gallery, once a realm of calm contemplation, was now a tempest of emotions. The laughter that had so recently rung out now seemed like a distant memory, replaced by the overwhelming symphony of fear.

As if fate herself decided to join the spectacle, the sprinkler system erupted into action. Its watery tendrils, intended to quell flames, instead embraced the entire gallery in their cool, indiscriminate grasp. I felt my blood run cold, aghast at the unintended consequences of our prank. The world around me became a shimmering deluge, turning the once immaculate floor into a canvas of liquid hues, morphing and melding like a living watercolor masterpiece. It was an enchanting sight, yet one born of chaos. Amidst the surreal spectacle, Mia's voice cut through, her words laden with disbelief and uncertainty.

"Wasn't it supposed to be contained to the restroom?"

Her gaze fixed on me, as though searching for answers I did not possess.

In the face of the unfolding calamity, I found myself paralyzed, caught between marveling at the unforeseen beauty and grappling with the realization of our reckless actions. Paintings that had once held the essence of artistic genius now wept streaks of vibrant pigments, like tearful rainbows cascading onto the gallery's floor. A gasp escaped me, betraying my shock at the transformation that had unfurled before my eyes. The very fabric of the paintings seemed to unravel, as if time itself were unwinding them, leaving behind blank canvases devoid of the stories they once told.

Regret surged within me, a relentless tide that threatened to drown any semblance of rationale. How had I allowed myself to be swept up in such a heedless act? Self-condemnation echoed through my thoughts, the weight of my thoughtlessness heavy upon my shoulders.

A tempest of emotions surged within, seeking an outlet for the turmoil that had taken root. My accusatory scream tore through the air, directed at Mia with a force fueled by fear and remorse.

"Why did you do this? It's all your fault now!"

Mia's tear-stained visage bore the marks of regret and sorrow, her expression a mirror of my own internal tempest. Yet, in the midst of the chaos we had conjured, her tears held a vulnerability that my anger couldn't quell—a stark reminder that our choices had ramifications beyond the surface-level mischief we had intended.

I'm sure you will agree that it has elevated a fair bit. Unlock the doors to confident and eloquent English writing with my personalised tutoring services. I'm here to guide you every step of the way. With a tailored approach that suits your learning style and goals, I offer engaging lessons that cover grammar intricacies, vocabulary expansion, and effective examination techniques. Together, we'll embark on a journey towards linguistic excellence, building not only skills but also the self-assurance to thrive.

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